I should just die…

Tick tok, tick tok

the demons are back

been holding for long

everynight crying myself to sleep the thoughts are back, why am I even alive??

Been holding for long

Pounding heart, breathing hard

to feel like dying but not dying

oh! Just wanted one true love why would you scar me?

Depression, anxiety,self harm are back.

How can they leave me, peacful mind just a dream ,now eyes wide open

Don’t want anyone to know

You made me feel so worthless, ugly, stupid, dumb

Everything my fault, loving you my fault, you say so should I die yea if I die its still my fault isn’t it

Claps to you finally you took a human’s wish to live turn into dead wish

One sided love

He is not the one

I depend on anymore

He is not the one

I trust anymore

He is not the one

I call in need anymore

He is not the one

in my dreams anymore

He is not the one

I want anymore

He is not the man of my dreams anymore

just a man who I once treasured more than diamonds

so a scar he has left when I considered him my world but when you can get something easily you never care .

when ever I look at you a pain in my chest rises and I look away as you never know what I felt for you and you never cared enough for me so I know you never loved me

The games of life

This was the happiest day of her life she finally got what she wanted her love , the person she loved from high school after ten years she still love him and devoted herself entirely to him but fate has something else for her as it is full of surprises and pain , before marriage she just had a regular checkup and that check up report was late but the person who received it was was her lover after seeing the report he was shocked and made a decision that will change his and her life

Standing in Church as his bride came with his father hand in hand and he gave her hand to jemmy her lover and now going to be husband the Priest started saying words from book

“do you accept jemmy as your husband ” asked the priest

” yes with all my heart ” replied jasmine

“do you accept jasmine as your wife ” asked the priest from jemmy

” no ” said jemmy , shocking everyone leaving jasmine in a state of shock she could not believe she thought he made some mistake or she did not hear well ,

” what are you saying your playing a prank right say it your telling a lie ” she grabbed him and was asking like her world fell apart and she had gone crazy ,

getting her arms of him , he said ” i got your report today ” , she was looking at him thinking like so what , he continued

” it said you have problem in you reproductive system it may get better with treatment or may never , so i do not want a wife who is defected , who is not able to give birth to my future heir ”

she fell down the best day of her life turned the worst , she thought something and looked up at him with hope in her eyes

“but it can get better with treatment i will get through any treatment do not care how painful please have trust ” she said , he looked at her with cold eyes

“really but the fact is you have problem which means your not perfect before this you were the perfect women and i can not have things that are not perfect so i am leaving ” he walked off leaving her behind and dropping her report on floor

five days passed , she was drinking alcohol and trying to forget her pain she had received two bad news and there was no one in her life and her father also went back to New York as his work was there now she was depressed and alone and she wanted to die that day but she could not as his father did not left her but as now she was completely alone she thought to die ,and thought to commit suicide, she walked out of home and walked and came across the hill and put a blindfold on her eyes she did not wanted to pull back or even look back she just wanted to do it and step forward , one step ,two step coming closer all memories were going through her mind as she was about to take the last step that would make her life disappear forever she received a call

“ring ,ring ,ring ” thinking who could be at this moment as she has blindfold so she just received it thinking last call of her life , “hello are you miss jasmine , i am Mr jemmy cook i have found Mr jammy stabbed and he is unconscious i have called the police and ambulance , i called as Mr jemmy has no one of his family here you were his friend once ……

he kept talking but she stepped back and ran towards her car this was worse then that day his life in danger made her heart rip out even he did not cared for her but she rushed to the hospital , the doctor said he has lost blood a lot of blood , he is saved but there is one thing that is serious “what is that ” she asked the doctor,

“he was stabbed in the back in the spinal cord area making him paralyzed” , thinking about his condition was really sad , she cleared her tears “can i see him ” she asked

,”yeah you can but do not say much stress is not good for him ” and one more thing doctor,

“can he get better walk on his own feet ” she asked worried ,

“it is 1% chance with proper treatment and care of family members ”

she decided to take care of him as all his family was just like him selfish everyone was happy and refused to look after him so she took that responsibility making everyone shocked and jemmy to was guilty at what he had done to her , days passed ,months passed and now one year has passed he had shown signs of improvement ,he could move now with the help of a stick and could get more better with time so he asked her

“i am really sorry what i did to you can you marry me again ” he asked ,

she replied “no “, he was in the same position now,

he asked “why , did not you cared for me cause you loved me and stayed with me all this whole year ”

she looked at him and said “nope i took care of you cause you saved me that is why , that night if i had not received that phone call i would have died ” ,

he looked at her like could not grasp it , he was confused

“i was going to commit suicide and one step was only left but that phone saved me and so i decided i will make this my purpose you left me in my hard time but i will not i will prove we are not the same but when you get better i will leave you then “

she replied , now he was depressed asking do not leave me , she replied

“i can never trust you cause trust once broken can never mend so i will leave next month after your final checkup”

saying that she left him alone to his thoughts .


when ruthless storm overwhelms my world

when settling sun falls off the endless road

when dark clouds overshadow the sky

when i step back out of fear

I hear my inner self telling me this

 you have to savour all the bitter pains

before you have  the heart of courage

you have to face the dark nights

don’t cry  

your just flying against the wind

looking up you will see the morning twilight 

try to give yourself a smile

 fight the fate with all you have

don’t cry

 deep within , you have a burning faith  

don’t cry 

 you should be proud of yourself

 I believe i will fulfill all my dreams

All my dreams

hey guys we are facing so much in our lives so much pain so much bitterness that no one can see but only we can feel it ,only we are the ones that know our crying  behind close door how much we make ourselves strong there comes some point in our lives that we are broken no one knows about it only we know how much hurt and how much week we are feeling so i found this actually it is a Chinese song  from love never forgetting but i wrote its lyrics before  and kept it safe as it was so encouraging and  now i edited it a little bit to my taste and wrote it out for you guys so when ever your feeling hopeless when your crying read this and i hope you will feel little better 

606e1072d127340b5a528f4baf70a0edthat is said so true the tears of soul